Dear Editor:
President Donald Trump told us, as he was set to impose world-wide tariffs AND THEN “reciprocal tariffs,” … “I’m telling you, these countries are calling us up, kissing my a**! They are dying to make a deal. ‘Please, please, sir, make a deal. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything, sir!’”
Oh, buddy! Our new president is TOUGH, I tells you. He has the world and our own economy exactly where he wants them. Happy days are surely here again!
It will be easy to tell when Trump’s brilliant deal-making is successful. FIRST, all other nations will simply drop all their tariffs on American goods. Gone! Immediately, American production and exports will soar, and the stock market will reach new heights, along with jobs and record increase in our GDP (up 2.5% under Biden in 2024, down .3% so far under Trump).
SECOND, prices on all goods on consumer products in America will plunge, and Americans will get the equivalent of a huge salary increase because of all the money saved on purchases. It’s a DREAM, and we’re assured it will “come true.”
(CUE: Disney’s “Some Day My Prince Will Come.”)
As a side benefit of Trump’s brilliant deal-making, and as proof of his muscular and masculine “holding all the cards” strength and resolve, countries like Canada, Greenland, and Panama will be clamoring for America to adopt them as new STATES, as the American Empire expands. These monumental changes will not be kept secret: we’ll know immediately when the paperwork is finalized, and we can begin buying new American flags with 53 stars!
In the meantime, however, Americans who voted for lower prices “on DAY ONE” have had Trump “renegotiate” that “deal.” NONE of the countries Trump claimed were ready to “kiss his a**” have puckered up. NO new trade deals have been signed as of Trump’s 100th day. Further, no deals are even on the horizon.
Americans are fair, though, and are willing to “give Trump a chance.”
So, what does giving Trump a chance LOOK like? The cost of goods will continue to increase (kinda like INFLATION on steroids), and there will be shortages, and empty shelves come Christmas time. Austerity is called for, as Trump tells us our kids won’t be needing the 30 dolls we were planning to get them for Christmas, they can make do with 2 or 3 MORE EXPENSIVE dolls (the same dolls, just more costly). Use the same formula for food; you won’t be needing 3 meals a day, Americans can make do with a meal every other day. A small price to pay while waiting for Trump’s miraculous “backside kissing” deals to come around.
And we all remember how Trump got Mexico to pay for the wall, right? (hope you weren’t holding your breath for THAT one). Oh, and the $11 trillion the Stock Market has lost in just 3 months of Trump? That’s not real money, it just comes out of your 401k’s and retirement funds.
Even now, our ports are reporting a 50% drop in the arrival of container ships, because American businesses are refusing to pay the tariffs newly imposed on goods they ordered months ago. Port of Los Angeles Executive Director Gene Seroka says, of the few orders that were NOT cancelled, “Retailers and importers alike are telling me that imported products will now cost about two and a half times more than they did just last month.” Because, of course, the American CONSUMERS will be paying for those tariffs at the cash register.
Lest we worry that this new austerity Trump has imposed on America will be affecting his own wealth, don’t be concerned. Trump’s $TRUMP meme coin adventure (in true Ponzi-scheme manner) … of the some 2 million “wallets” that have bought into Trump’s coins, ALL have LOST money, with the exception of 58 specific wallets which gained over $10 million each for a total take of over a BILLION dollars! And those lucky winners will be treated to Presidential perks, like access to the Prez, black tie dinners with the President, and White House tours. (Losers won’t be invited.) It’s good to be king! (to quote Mel Brooks).
Looks like Melania and Ivanka will be getting their 30 dolls each after all.
Jeff Harrison
Buffalo, Texas
