by Slim Randles
All land developers really have to do to name all the new streets in a sagebrush subdivision is to leave the naming up to the local kids. The names may be goofy, but seldom boring.
Such was the case with Fonster Fench. From the outside, she looked just like any other small stray cat that a young girl might rescue and bring home. But when my kid named her Fonster Fench, I had to ask why.
“Well,” she said, “you can see her name’s Fonster, right? And she has this … fenchiness about her.”
The Fench part transmogrified into a verb over the next few weeks, until Fonster was known to cavort in a fenchlike manner. This became “fenching,” to the neighborhood kids, who would practice fenching on their own around the yard until they had it perfected.
There must be some law of ethereal justice somewhere, carved on a cloud, which says the scruffier the animal, the classier its name must be.
One of Michael Candelaria’s coonhounds out there in Laguna Pueblo wasn’t as lucky. Mike named him “Speed Bump.” Sure enough ….
A sled dog in Talkeetna, Alaska, named Shark fulfilled his destiny years ago by eating his own tail. His owner took him to a dog shrink (I’m not making this up) and the shrink took $25 up front and then told the owner Shark was crazy.
Sometimes adults who don’t accept grown-up-icity (hey, sounds better than adultery) can come up with some kid-like names, too. For example, the little brown dog called “Prairie Dog Town Fork of the Red River,” and the cat named “Nebula” because he had a certain … gas cloud problem.
A happily gobbled pair of turkeys in Corrales, New Mexico were known as King Tut and his bride, Neferturkey.
Sometimes a name changes slightly over time, due to a sharpening of an animal’s personality. That was the case with the half hound, half husky given the magnificent name “Ulysses.” After a few months, the lady of the house changed his name to “Useless.”
Registered animals are given bizarre names by owners with more money than brains. How else would you explain the champion show horse named “Twist My Doo Doc”? The horse show announcer was never able to say it with a straight face.
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Brought to you by film composers and music editors, just because nobody else does it.
